Alex's Secret
by Alanna333
Summary: The thoughts of Alanna and her friends in the Epilogue of book 2, including Alex's thoughts and feelings.


The Epilogue of Book 2 leaves me wondering. What happened after the duel? Surely they didn't just let Alanna take off the next day? So here is what I think might of happened as well as my take on why he hated Alanna so much.  
  
The characters and dialogue belong to Tamora Pierce, not me. I have been rather liberal with the dialogue, but don't kill me! I was in a hurry!  
  
  
  
"Are you sure you won't change your mind?" Jonathan asked. "I really feel I don't know 'Sir Alanna' at all."  
  
Alanna smiled and shook her head. "I need to get away from Court for a while and just think."  
  
"If you're still feeling bad about Roger, you shouldn't," Gary said tartly. "You did what had to be done."  
  
Looking at her friends, Alanna fought threatening tears. She has seen little of her friends since her duel with Roger. In the few weeks that had passed since that night, Alanna had faced a never ending line of 'meetings' so that she might explain herself. Many had demanded that she be arrested and tried for her deception. The King, while furious at her dishonesty, refused because Alanna had not actually broken any laws. This did not halt the questionings, however. The meetings, which her friends had not been allowed to attend, had been brutal and incredibly privet. No questions were left unasked, and Alanna had answered them truthfully as she could. Now that they were over and she was being allowed to keep her shield, Alanna wanted to be as far away from Corus as she could get.  
  
"I know. But I've been planning this journey for a long time, and now I have more reason than ever to take it. I'll sort out Roger and being a lady knight and what I want to do with my life, and then I'll come back." She looked around, pretending to look over her saddle bags. She couldn't bear to look at any of them for long. All of them, especially Jon, wanted something of her. If Jon gave her that 'Please don't go, I need you here with me' speech again, Alanna knew she would hit him. Alanna just wanted to live for herself for a while. "Truly I will. I couldn't stay away long."  
  
Gary tapped a miserable-looking Raoul on the shoulder. "Say good-by, Raoul," he said, glancing meaningfully at Jon.  
  
Raoul took one of Alanna's hands in a grip that hurt. He couldn't be anymore proud of her, certain in the fact that no one else could have accomplished the things she had. Smiling, he remembered the first time he had seen his little friend, standing defiantly in the face of the bully Ralon. Raoul was certain that she could take care of herself, but he was terribly frightened for her all the same. Things had not gone well since Rogers death for any of them. She had made many enemies in a very short time. They had all been questioned endlessly about her masquerade and Roger treason, but Alanna had born the brunt of it all, facing gruelingly endless meetings about her deception and her suspicions about the Duke. Raoul had recovered from the shock of learning that his good friend a Alan was a girl rather quickly, but still had so many unanswered questions regarding his little friend. "I'm like Jonathan; I just don't feel I know 'Sir Alanna,'" he complained. "Look out for her, Coram."  
  
"I will that." The burly manservant nodded.  
  
Alanna leaned over and kissed Raoul on the cheek. "This 'Sir Alanna' you keep taking about is just Alan with the truth being told," she told him. "I haven't changed. Stay out of trouble, Raoul."  
  
Gary was next, giving her a brief but strong hug. He knew Alanna needed this journey more than anything right now. His father had not shared any of the details about Alanna's many interrogations, but Gary knew that it had been very difficult for the little fire top. She had taken it all in stride, however, with out complaint. She had caused a riot among the nobles, both male and female. Gary was highly amused by the whole thing, but was sad that she would not be there to laugh with him. Now that her journey was finally here, Gary couldn't imagine what life in the palace would be like without her. "If you stay away too long, we'll come looking for you," he threatened. "Safe journey, Alanna." He drew Raoul off a little way, leaving Alanna to talk with Jonathan and George in peace.  
  
"Remember the thieves' sign I taught you," George warned. "And if trouble threatens, use it!"  
  
Alanna hugged him, blinking back stinging tears. "I'm going to miss you, old friend," she whispered. He had risked a great deal in the last few weeks by continually sneaking into the palace to check on her. Of all of her friends, only George had made no demands on her, only offering a shoulder to cry on.  
  
George's eyes were over bright as he smiled at her. She had changed his life in ways he never could have imagined. Now he looked at her, heart in his throat, tying to master himself. This journey had been a long time in coming, and his pride in Alanna could not be matched. Alanna needed this journey to help her open her eyes in regards to a certain Prince. None of those things eased the pain in his heart right now. How could he watch her ride away when all he wanted to do was go with her? How could he let her go off where he couldn't help her?  
  
George swallowed hard, trying to shrug off his selfishness. George didn't need his Gift to tell him that she had to go on this journey, regardless of the danger. Alanna's triumph over Roger had just been one of the many great things she was destined to do, and sitting in the palace wasn't going to get those great things done. "So much more reason for you to return to me, after you've thought through all that needs thinkin'. Go with my love, Alanna." Clucking to his mare, he caught up with Gary and Raoul.  
  
Jonathan tried to smile in his turn. "And so it's just you and me again, Lady Knight. Well, you and me and Faithful," he acknowledged the cat, who sat blinking in his cup on Moonlight's saddle. Suddenly he reached over and hugged her tightly, holding her for long moments. Jon felt completely out of control. Never in his life had he felt so lost and helpless. Here Alanna was, packed and ready to ride, and he still couldn't come to grips with the fact that she wouldn't be there in the morning. He knew that she had to get away from court and the constant inquisitions that had bombarded her for the last few weeks, but that knowledge didn't help. Despite his best efforts to keep her with him, Alanna was going.  
  
Jon didn't know when it had happened but one morning he woke to find that he couldn't remember what his life was like before his Lady Knight came into it. This girl- no, this woman, had saved his life in more ways than he could count and now she was leaving. Who was he without her? He kissed her fiercely before letting her go. "You're riding south?"  
  
Alanna nodded. "I want to spend the rest of this winter being warm." she told him. "I'll write; you know I will."  
  
He lifted her face, looking into her violet eyes. "When you come home, all this will have blown over," he said. "And no one will be happier to see you than I." He looked over at Coram, who was waiting by the City Gates. "Take care of her, Coram Smythesson!"  
  
Alanna's old friend looked surprised. "And here I thought the best part of riden' with a knight was that she would be lookin' after me."  
  
Alanna exchanged on last look with her Prince before riding out the gate. Before her stretched the Great Road South, its broad expanse clear of snow and ice. It was almost warm for the first day of the New Year; she was dressed comfortably; she had a good horse and Faithful with her and Coram at her side.  
  
Roger's death was bad, she thought, but life could be much, much worse. Perhaps I'll live and be happy after all.  
  
She let out a whoop of sheer exuberance and kicked Moonlight into a gallop. "C'mon, Coram!" she cried, galloping past him. "Let's go find and adventure!"  
  
Unseen, Alex watched Alanna of Trebond ride through the city gates. The dark hatred that seethed through him with every breath made him shiver. Watching her ride away, Alex still couldn't believe his eyes. A girl. Alan was a girl. Grief knifed through him briefly, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He couldn't believe how blind he had been. He had been so sure. How long had he waited? Forever, it seemed. Watching her escort ride away, it was clear to Alex that she was loved dearly by all of them, especially Jon. A sneer appeared on his lips, marring his beautiful features.  
  
He had been so sure. Alan had avoided women like the plague. Alex had never seen or heard Alan so much take a passing interest in any woman. He had been so certain. He knew that one day the Prince would tire of his squire and then Alan would be free for him to peruse. Alex thought his chance had arrived when the Prince had been so taken with Delia but, as always, he had been wrong. Regardless of the time he and Alan spent together, Alan had not been receptive. His anger and frustration had erupted during his duel with Alan. To think, Alex had felt bad about injuring the little gutter snipe!  
  
Closing his eyes against the pain in his heart, Alex turned his mare toward the palace. He had turned to Roger out of frustration and loneliness, hoping that taking another lover would ease his longing for the small red headed squire, but it had not. Alex had still wanted him, dreamed of him. Against all odds, Alex had still hoped that Alan would someday get over the Prince and see how Alex felt about him. But as day after day went by, Alex found that his bitter resentment of the relationship that Alan and Jon had caused him to withdraw from his friends more and more, until one day he woke up to found that he hated them all, each and every one.  
  
Only Roger had cared for him, been there to comfort Alex though his pain. Roger was dead now. As if it wasn't bad enough that every hope Alex had ever of being with Alan was completely shattered during the duel that night, the bitch had gone on to killed Roger. Killed the only person that had cared about him. Now, Alex was alone. Well, not alone, exactly. He had his bitterness and hatred to keep him company. The irony of it was that Alex cared for Alan-Alanna. Still loved him-her. Still thought of him-her constantly. Still dreamed of him-her.  
  
It's enough to drive one mad, really. Alex thought as he rode back to the palace. It really is..... 


End file.
